Tanglewood Jokes Page

This page is a collection of clean jokes so old that they are probably copyright free by now, anyway I've rewritten them all in my own words. Please feel free to help yourself for non-commercial use, such as rag mags, parish magazines and dinner parties.

If you think that there is any copyrighted material here, or if you know a good one that ought to be here, please e-mail unclebob@tnglwood.demon.co.uk with your comments.

Collective nouns
Computer related Jokes
Elephant Jokes (and other large animals)
Maths and Science
Religious Jokes
Student Jokes

Collective Nouns

A burst of baloonists.
A draft of bank managers.
A body of coroners.
A grid of electrical engineers.
A pile of nuclear physicists.
A clutch of car mechanics.

Computers

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs...

The well known owner of a certain software firm dies and goes to see St Peter who askes him if he would prefer to go to heaven or hell. Our hero asks the difference, and Peter shows him heaven, which looks quite boring as everyone is sitting on clouds playing harps, and that's all. Hell, on the other hand is a beach party on a tropical island, so he chooses hell. Three weeks later Peter goes looking for him, and finds him chained in a dungeon, black and blue from the beatings. "This wasn't what you showed me," he protests. "No," says Peter, "you were looking at the demo version. This is the real product."

Pachyderm Zone (Elephant Jokes)

Why do elephants have corrugated feet? To give ants a fifty/fifty chance.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So that they can hide upside down in custard.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So that they can hide up cherry trees.

What killed Tarzan? Jane said, "Pick me some cherries, Tarzan darling..."

How do you get four elephants in a mini? Two in the front, two in the back, trunks in the boot.

How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4 and over the Severn bridge.

Maths and Science

A hot air baloonist is hopelessly lost over unfamiliar country, and descends hoping to find someone he can ask for directions. He sees a lone figure walking along the road and calls, "Where am I?" The lone figure thinks for about five minutes and shouts back, "You're in that basket up there." "You must be a mathematician," replies the baloonist. "How did you know?" "Your answer took a long time to reach, was entirely correct, and completely useless."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $150 and asked to find the height of an hotel. The physicist spends the money on a bag of marbles and a stopwatch, and spends the afternoon timing their fall from the roof, then attempts to allow for air friction. After some elaborate calculations he arrives at a figure which is in error by about three feet. The mathematician buys a second-hand sextant and lays out a baseline in the street, then makes a series of observations. After applying corrections he obtains a figure which is in error by about one foot. The engineer turns up a little worse for wear with a figure accurate to the inch, having tipped the porter $20 for a quick look at the plans, then spent the rest of the afternoon in the hotel bar with the $130. 

Religious

Two people die and go to heaven. Peter looks in his records and finds that the first has only told three lies in his life, and gives him a Rolls Royce to drive about heaven in. The second has told 17,692 lies, and is therefore only entitled to a bicycle. A few weeks later the Rolls driver finds the cyclist in a ditch. "What happened to you?" The cyclist is shaking with laughter, "I've just seen a bishop on roller skates."

Student Jokes

What's the difference between a camel and a medical student? The camel can work for five days without drinking, the student can...

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